My husband of over 52 years. Your physical presence may have moved on but you are present in my heart for as long as it beats.
So today was the day of T’s funeral, at 4.00pm at West Berks Crematorium. Just for a change, it was another wet and horrid day, although the sun did show its face in places. That got me quite excited.
Our first event of the day, was to go the undertakers to say a final farewell to T. Our group included T and V and Ali and Pen. That visit settled my mind. I could see quite clearly that the person I was looking down on, bore no more relation to T and was merely an abandoned shell for whatever now remained in there. Once upon a time, it had been my Tony.
Without doubt, it was time for a final farewell. His time on earth was up. There were better places now for T.
We were a sombre party as we drove back to Ali’s in the pouring rain. And we had obviously just missed a really serious rain event as the colour of the sky and poodles in the ground testified.
We (T and V) loitered at Ali’s before returning to ours to prepare ourselves for the funeral this afternoon. H stayed with Minnie for company, having been walked by Dave and Pen in the mud a bit earlier.
Back at Ali’s, around 15.15 the hearse arrived for the 30 minute drive to West Berks Crematorium.
We had chosen a wicker coffin, (thank you Franks family for the inspiration for this) which looked stunning, and received many positive comments, with family only flowers on top and my living basket and grandchildren’s sprays to the side.
The wicker coffin seemed such a gentle and kinder way to help someone to leave us. It was shouldered by three Daves and George. Dave Warren, Anne’s son being the third Dave. He was a bit miffed to discover that the undertakers considered him the shortest of the pall bearers and that 14 year old George was taller than him! They are all around or taller than 6 feet.
A crowd was gathered outside to greet us.
The first people I saw, I never imagined would be there, not having seen them for years. Val Davies and Sue Bishop. Voices from the deep past. One time, long term neighbours, and of our families’ intertwined relationships involving our own children. Play in the lane, tobogganing in the snow. Swimming club etc.
We think there were about 70 people there from school friends of T , to university friends, to work colleagues and friends, barristers and, now. judges, and more recent friends. Noticeably, my carer friends of the last 6 years, or ‘besties’ as Ali and Pen called them. And they were right. They had found a handy corner to park themselves in. Ali and Pen made immediate connections with them, and Anthony, Marie’s husband, stole their hearts .
Trudi made sure the service was the best, the music consisted of perfect choices, the girls – their speeches were great – and Fleur and Frankie spoke nicely. As for Frankie’s writing, read by Trudi- utterly mind blowing. And Nigel Daly (HH Judge) delivered a perfect and amusing tribute sparking much laughter and triggering mischievous ideas in others. Barristers’ pranks such as would never happen today.
T was much respected for his advocacy skills, his mind, his humour, his humility and his ability to win people ( notably juries) over.
The slide show ( well done Pen for this, and the order of service, and associated blood, sweat and tears from both my girls) to Pelagia’s song was magic.
We heard from Anne and from Freda, who watched it streamed live, that it came across beautifully.
Afterwards, most people accompanied us to the Spring Inn, a ten minute drive away who provided us with refreshments, including some additional freebies. They were very accommodating and did a really good job. We had taken a rather wild stab in the dark over numbers, suggesting 55, though there were more like 70-80 there. We had the perfect upstairs space, with limitless coffee and tea and water on tap and a mixture of hot and cold tasty finger foods. And we set up a tab behind the bar for anyone preferring alcohol. There was enough of everything, with very little left over.
I found plenty of time to talk to everyone who was there, so lovely to catch up with so many old friends. T, in his ‘well’ years, would have really loved it. I think we got it right.
We returned home to the Illis on quite a high.The relief at the success of the occasion was palpable.
I should also mention the undertakers, in particular, Emily and James, who also did a fantastic job. Nothing phased them.
It was a fitting farewell.
Sphagetti and meat balls prepped earlier by Ali, filled anyone with tummy space left. I was glad to note Vangeli ate a good plateful.
Utterly exhausted, the three of us and H, crawled home and straight to bed. I looked across to reach out and to say something, this morning, when I woke up, forgetting T was not beside me any more. But he is really, the T of ten years ago, And that is a comfort.
i think we, and everyone involved got it right.
The video will be downloaded in 2/3 days and will be available for a month.
Thought for the Day – My speech
Letter to Tony (Mum)
Firstly, I miss you.
Fifty two years is a long time to spend with one person. To be able to do that, that someone has to be very special. And you were very special to me, and I guess to the other people here as well.
Ours was a marriage of two parts: the first forty five years and the final seven when Alzheimer’s sneaked in.
I wish I could pretend we never had a cross word between us, but we both know that would not be entirely true . We always agreed in the end. You were always right and used your advocacy skills to demonstrate that. I did not stand a chance!
You gave me so much love that I never doubted your feelings and I hope you felt the same about mine.
You helped me feel proud of my achievements and I was certainly proud of yours.
We went on adventures up mountains and across seas. I wish I could pretend these were in the lap of luxury, but we both know that would not be true either. But they were always fun… In retrospect.
Our family grew, and with it, our pride in the achievements of our children and our grandchildren.
Then in 2017, we knew something had changed. Alzheimer’s, that uninvited intruder interfered with our plans. But we did not let it change our plans.
We still holidayed overland to Greece, with our much loved Heidi, where we enjoyed being amongst our Greek relatives and friends. These trips were second to none, except perhaps to your home town of Liverpool and our alma mater, Cambridge.
Keep my feelings close to you as you journey on … Look on the bright side, you do not walk alone.
I am with you all the way.
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